New perspective

I've always thought that my tendancy to over-planning events in my life was a sign of being organized and anticipating the unexpectd. I was informed last night that this over-planning and planning for the worst thing I do is overwhelming. If someone would have told me this before the first 3 decades of my life, that would have been great. Now I have to figure out some way not to overwhelm those that I care about most.

But I wonder if people realize how hard it is for people to stop living in "survival mode". For so long, planning for the unexpected and planning for the worst in life is what kept me alive. Now to put a stop to it, is going to be harder than I thought.

What others see

Sometimes I wish that I could see myself the way that others do. Others see me as someone who is dedicated to helping others. They see me as someone who is hard working, determined, successful, confident in myself and my abilities.

Why can't I see that?

I see someone who is constantly trying to prove herself and her worth to everyone around her. I see someone who is always trying to do more for others, not only because I care about people, but because I want them to accept me. Because I don't accept myself.

If I saw myself the way that others did, this interview process wouldn't be a cause for me to stress about! I would be confident in my accomplishments and what I've achieved for my company and with my life. If only...

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wonder if anyone out there really gives a damn about me and whether or not if anyone would actually notice if I just didn't exist anymore. I haven't let myself get this low in several years and I'm scared about what might happen if I somehow can't get myself out of this slump!

I'm just tired of being someone else's rag and waif. I'm tired of being alone and not being able to do anything about it. I'm tired of trying.

I'm just tired.

Drama!

Things at work are starting to slow down. I have started to get an "in" in a couple of the other non-Back Office departments who have offered me different ways that they can support me and my ambition to advance within the company. The pressure to always have to prove myself has wavered a bit. In short, life for me was starting to become drama-free!

I knew it was too good to be true. And what sucks is that it's not even drama that directly affects me...or it shouldn't. I now whole heartedly believe the age-old addage "Ignorance is bliss". However I hate knowing that I am slowly losing all respect for one of my oldest friends.

Lonely

Today after I got home from a family weekend, I sat down to watch TV (The OC to be exact), and lost it after watching the episode that the family staged in intervention for Kirsten and her drinking problem. I just keeping over and over that I don't have that with anyone; I racked my brain for people in my life who cared about me that much. I couldn't come up with anyone that I knew without a shadow of a doubt cared that much about me.

Most of the time I feel so alone. Misunderstood. Lonely. Unloved. Unaccepted.

It's exhausting to have to try so hard all the time to survive.

Hard weekend

This has been an incredibly hard weekend for me! It's not so much what happened, as horrible as it might have been (that's all the specifics you're going to get) but it's just that I had no one to talk to about it. In the last few weeks, I've come to realize how lonely my life really has become. All of my really close friends, who I still consider really close friends, have other commitments...lives that are full without me in it! I have next to no one, so when I want to vent or cry or laugh or just talk or hangout, whether or not I get to do it depends almost totally on them being able to squeeze me in. And me being, well, me rarely find the courage to ask to be squeezed in, no matter how much I need it at any given time.

And because I also next to no time outside of work to actually meet anyone else, nor the want to have new people in my life, that's not going to change any time soon.

Alone!

I have seldom felt as alone as I did this weekend! I just needed to hang out with someone and do nothing! Happy birthday to me!

A case of do or die!

Can I just say how much I hate doctors!! After an extremely scary episode that I thought might possibly be a stroke given the severity of my brain problems, I had yet another consult with my neurologist and cardiologist today. It turns out that it wasn't a stroke, but it was kind of an anti-stroke. Strokes are caused by not enough blood getting to the brain. In my case, there is too much blood getting to my brain causing intense headaches, and the capillaries in my brain to stretch and lose their elasticity and function. If this goes on for an extended period of time, there is the possibility of having an aneurysn in my brain form.

The doctors want to lower my blood pressure (which is already normal) but can't because I also have a heart condition involving two of my ventricles. They have lowered it as low as possible right now. The reason that we are lowering my blood pressure is to reduce the amount and pressure of blood flow to my brain. My doctors told me today that I have to lose 50-75 pounds before they can lower my blood pressure anymore, so until I do that I have to put up with the headaches. How's that for incentive!

Finally something to do!

How sad is it that I am actually looking forward to this meeting tonight for the United Way cause it's giving me something to do! I have recently come to the realization that I am a workaholic and don't know how to be on vacation. I just CAN'T!! I've tried, believe me, to relax but I feel like I'm slacking, so when this meeting was planned for the middle of my vacation, I was thrilled! It gave me something to plan and organize! LOL

But it also brought me to the sad realization that I am once again equating my worth and my contribution to society with my job and how busy I am. Not necessarily with what I am achieving in the long- or short-term, but with the busyness that comes with that. It's something that happens all the time with me, usually in cycles, and it usually stops when I either am too tired or too spread thinly to do things properly, or I burn out. Either way, the results are not pretty.

I know in my head that I need to be able to say 'no' to things, to just be, and to not have to do all the time. I know in my head (and it is becoming more and more clear to me as I read this damn book for work) that some really worthwhile things in my life have to go in order to even better things to the best of my ability. The problem I am facing now is that everything that I am involved in right now holds a very large part of my heart, and it is seems impossible for me to determine which one is more "worthwhile" than the others.

Scrapbook for Me

As I sat looking through my old pictures, cards and letters I realized that I have been scrapbooking for Savannah, Peter and several other people but I don't have one that documents my life and those that are important to me, or were important to me at one time. I started looking at the pictures in a different light then, remembering the moments that the pictures were taken, and wondering if people do the same thing to the pictures that I am instead of the ones that I take. I decided then and there that I needed a concrete object to symbolize my life, my people and what I want people to remember me as. I'm making a scrapbook about myself! So if I ask any of you that are reading this to pose for some pics either by themselves or with me (if I don't have any of us together) you'll know that you are an important part of my life. For those of you I don't ask for pictures, it's probably because I already have some so don't get offended. LOL

Things I Want To Do Before I Die

1. Be happy
2. Be loved
3. Have at least 2 children
4. Get married
5. Be debt-free
6. Write a book on the New York Best Seller's List
7. Kiss in the rain
8. Weigh under 180 lbs
9. Pay off student loan
10. Get a Masters degree
11. Get an LLB
12. Visit all Canadian provinces
13. Visit six out of seven continents
14. Spent a year working abroad
15. Vacation in Australia
16. Study journalism
17. Speak French fluently
18. Speak Korean fluently
19. Own a house
20. Own a Golden Retriever
21. Learn how to swim
22. Learn how to ride a bike
23. Learn how to play poker
24. Take a photography course
25. Take a scrapbooking course
26. Take a drawing course
27. Get my nose pierced
28. Get another tattoo
29. Get my driver's license
30. Go to a MM concert/meet MM
31. Adopt a child
32. Become a foster parent
33. Read a new book every month
34. Have one of my books made into a movie
35. Take a photography tour of the Rockies
36. Have my own dark room
37. Write a children's book
38. Write a cookbook
39. Watch "A Walk to Remember" the entire way through without crying
40. Volunteer at a hospital nursery or a day care center
41. Finish Grade 9 piano
42. Befriend someone I don't like DONE
43. Register At Your Command Marketing & Writing as a sole proprietorship
44. Incorporate At Your Command Marketing & Writing Inc
45. Write a book about surviving depression
46. Read MLS's list of must-read books
47. Start a savings account for Savannah
48. Make a geneology scrapbook
49. Own a Jeep Grand Cherokee
50. Finish a Puzz - 3D

Being on vacation

There's something about doing nothing that is draining me this week! I know that I've worked my a&% off the last several months and that I deserve this vacation. Physically, I need this time off to do nothing so that I can refocus on everything that's coming up in my life, from the upcoming Toy Drive that has become an annual tradition for me (this will be the third year that I've been in charge of it), finishing the pre-work stage of entering the new mentorship program at work (and just as an FYI, there's a whole lot of work involved in the "pre-work" stage of it), to doing the best that I can with my Floor Support position. There's also the United Way that I'm actively involved in, the BOT Action Committee that will be resuming after Cable Christmas is over, the Santa Clause Parade planning...all things that I love doing! So I know in my head that I NEED this vacation!

But I feel so useless sitting at home and not contributing to anyone or anything! I have to learn how to do nothing and not to feel guilty about it, because whether I like it or not I deserve this time off...another thing that I have to learn how to accept.

First of Many

I've deleted my previous blogs because I'm trying with all of my heart, mind & strength to put the past behind me and start new. With my *gulp* 30th birthday looming over me, this seems like the perfect time to do it. This past year has been hard on me. Before last November, I was light-hearted, jovial and let most things just roll off my back. I kept it light with most people. Even though I wasn't happy, I was at least fun to be around.

Now, I don't even have that going for me, and I want it back. I'm going to stop taking life so seriously, or at least try to. I want people to want to be around me again. I want to stop focusing so much on the future, and start to live more in the now again while looking forward.

Most importantly, I want to be happy. The first couple of steps towards that are to do things because I want to instead of because I think they are expected of me, and to surround myself with people who don't bring me down and who can help me keep perspective. Anyone wanna help?