Finally something to do!

How sad is it that I am actually looking forward to this meeting tonight for the United Way cause it's giving me something to do! I have recently come to the realization that I am a workaholic and don't know how to be on vacation. I just CAN'T!! I've tried, believe me, to relax but I feel like I'm slacking, so when this meeting was planned for the middle of my vacation, I was thrilled! It gave me something to plan and organize! LOL

But it also brought me to the sad realization that I am once again equating my worth and my contribution to society with my job and how busy I am. Not necessarily with what I am achieving in the long- or short-term, but with the busyness that comes with that. It's something that happens all the time with me, usually in cycles, and it usually stops when I either am too tired or too spread thinly to do things properly, or I burn out. Either way, the results are not pretty.

I know in my head that I need to be able to say 'no' to things, to just be, and to not have to do all the time. I know in my head (and it is becoming more and more clear to me as I read this damn book for work) that some really worthwhile things in my life have to go in order to even better things to the best of my ability. The problem I am facing now is that everything that I am involved in right now holds a very large part of my heart, and it is seems impossible for me to determine which one is more "worthwhile" than the others.

Scrapbook for Me

As I sat looking through my old pictures, cards and letters I realized that I have been scrapbooking for Savannah, Peter and several other people but I don't have one that documents my life and those that are important to me, or were important to me at one time. I started looking at the pictures in a different light then, remembering the moments that the pictures were taken, and wondering if people do the same thing to the pictures that I am instead of the ones that I take. I decided then and there that I needed a concrete object to symbolize my life, my people and what I want people to remember me as. I'm making a scrapbook about myself! So if I ask any of you that are reading this to pose for some pics either by themselves or with me (if I don't have any of us together) you'll know that you are an important part of my life. For those of you I don't ask for pictures, it's probably because I already have some so don't get offended. LOL

Things I Want To Do Before I Die

1. Be happy
2. Be loved
3. Have at least 2 children
4. Get married
5. Be debt-free
6. Write a book on the New York Best Seller's List
7. Kiss in the rain
8. Weigh under 180 lbs
9. Pay off student loan
10. Get a Masters degree
11. Get an LLB
12. Visit all Canadian provinces
13. Visit six out of seven continents
14. Spent a year working abroad
15. Vacation in Australia
16. Study journalism
17. Speak French fluently
18. Speak Korean fluently
19. Own a house
20. Own a Golden Retriever
21. Learn how to swim
22. Learn how to ride a bike
23. Learn how to play poker
24. Take a photography course
25. Take a scrapbooking course
26. Take a drawing course
27. Get my nose pierced
28. Get another tattoo
29. Get my driver's license
30. Go to a MM concert/meet MM
31. Adopt a child
32. Become a foster parent
33. Read a new book every month
34. Have one of my books made into a movie
35. Take a photography tour of the Rockies
36. Have my own dark room
37. Write a children's book
38. Write a cookbook
39. Watch "A Walk to Remember" the entire way through without crying
40. Volunteer at a hospital nursery or a day care center
41. Finish Grade 9 piano
42. Befriend someone I don't like DONE
43. Register At Your Command Marketing & Writing as a sole proprietorship
44. Incorporate At Your Command Marketing & Writing Inc
45. Write a book about surviving depression
46. Read MLS's list of must-read books
47. Start a savings account for Savannah
48. Make a geneology scrapbook
49. Own a Jeep Grand Cherokee
50. Finish a Puzz - 3D

Being on vacation

There's something about doing nothing that is draining me this week! I know that I've worked my a&% off the last several months and that I deserve this vacation. Physically, I need this time off to do nothing so that I can refocus on everything that's coming up in my life, from the upcoming Toy Drive that has become an annual tradition for me (this will be the third year that I've been in charge of it), finishing the pre-work stage of entering the new mentorship program at work (and just as an FYI, there's a whole lot of work involved in the "pre-work" stage of it), to doing the best that I can with my Floor Support position. There's also the United Way that I'm actively involved in, the BOT Action Committee that will be resuming after Cable Christmas is over, the Santa Clause Parade planning...all things that I love doing! So I know in my head that I NEED this vacation!

But I feel so useless sitting at home and not contributing to anyone or anything! I have to learn how to do nothing and not to feel guilty about it, because whether I like it or not I deserve this time off...another thing that I have to learn how to accept.

First of Many

I've deleted my previous blogs because I'm trying with all of my heart, mind & strength to put the past behind me and start new. With my *gulp* 30th birthday looming over me, this seems like the perfect time to do it. This past year has been hard on me. Before last November, I was light-hearted, jovial and let most things just roll off my back. I kept it light with most people. Even though I wasn't happy, I was at least fun to be around.

Now, I don't even have that going for me, and I want it back. I'm going to stop taking life so seriously, or at least try to. I want people to want to be around me again. I want to stop focusing so much on the future, and start to live more in the now again while looking forward.

Most importantly, I want to be happy. The first couple of steps towards that are to do things because I want to instead of because I think they are expected of me, and to surround myself with people who don't bring me down and who can help me keep perspective. Anyone wanna help?