New perspective

I've always thought that my tendancy to over-planning events in my life was a sign of being organized and anticipating the unexpectd. I was informed last night that this over-planning and planning for the worst thing I do is overwhelming. If someone would have told me this before the first 3 decades of my life, that would have been great. Now I have to figure out some way not to overwhelm those that I care about most.

But I wonder if people realize how hard it is for people to stop living in "survival mode". For so long, planning for the unexpected and planning for the worst in life is what kept me alive. Now to put a stop to it, is going to be harder than I thought.

What others see

Sometimes I wish that I could see myself the way that others do. Others see me as someone who is dedicated to helping others. They see me as someone who is hard working, determined, successful, confident in myself and my abilities.

Why can't I see that?

I see someone who is constantly trying to prove herself and her worth to everyone around her. I see someone who is always trying to do more for others, not only because I care about people, but because I want them to accept me. Because I don't accept myself.

If I saw myself the way that others did, this interview process wouldn't be a cause for me to stress about! I would be confident in my accomplishments and what I've achieved for my company and with my life. If only...

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wonder if anyone out there really gives a damn about me and whether or not if anyone would actually notice if I just didn't exist anymore. I haven't let myself get this low in several years and I'm scared about what might happen if I somehow can't get myself out of this slump!

I'm just tired of being someone else's rag and waif. I'm tired of being alone and not being able to do anything about it. I'm tired of trying.

I'm just tired.

Drama!

Things at work are starting to slow down. I have started to get an "in" in a couple of the other non-Back Office departments who have offered me different ways that they can support me and my ambition to advance within the company. The pressure to always have to prove myself has wavered a bit. In short, life for me was starting to become drama-free!

I knew it was too good to be true. And what sucks is that it's not even drama that directly affects me...or it shouldn't. I now whole heartedly believe the age-old addage "Ignorance is bliss". However I hate knowing that I am slowly losing all respect for one of my oldest friends.

Lonely

Today after I got home from a family weekend, I sat down to watch TV (The OC to be exact), and lost it after watching the episode that the family staged in intervention for Kirsten and her drinking problem. I just keeping over and over that I don't have that with anyone; I racked my brain for people in my life who cared about me that much. I couldn't come up with anyone that I knew without a shadow of a doubt cared that much about me.

Most of the time I feel so alone. Misunderstood. Lonely. Unloved. Unaccepted.

It's exhausting to have to try so hard all the time to survive.

Hard weekend

This has been an incredibly hard weekend for me! It's not so much what happened, as horrible as it might have been (that's all the specifics you're going to get) but it's just that I had no one to talk to about it. In the last few weeks, I've come to realize how lonely my life really has become. All of my really close friends, who I still consider really close friends, have other commitments...lives that are full without me in it! I have next to no one, so when I want to vent or cry or laugh or just talk or hangout, whether or not I get to do it depends almost totally on them being able to squeeze me in. And me being, well, me rarely find the courage to ask to be squeezed in, no matter how much I need it at any given time.

And because I also next to no time outside of work to actually meet anyone else, nor the want to have new people in my life, that's not going to change any time soon.

Alone!

I have seldom felt as alone as I did this weekend! I just needed to hang out with someone and do nothing! Happy birthday to me!